Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.

Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]

Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]

Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.

Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.

[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?

Nobody:

My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?

Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.

Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.

Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.

girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death

[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out

“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works

-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.

People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.

There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life

Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*

The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children