Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?

Me: No.

8: Can you check again?

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”

Me: This is the worst day of my life.

Her: Really?

Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*

*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up

“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method

My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.

Every haunted house movie:

I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm

DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too

My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.

Is fructose made with real fruct?

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit

All. The. Damn. Time.

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”

My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)

My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.