Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

Him: you know, a baby deliverer…

Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?

girl: i love philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He looks through the cattlelog.

Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’

As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free

🤣😂

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy

Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

we squint at the sun because it’s bright

we squint at people because they are not…

Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly

*poof*

Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…

If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.

Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.