facebook is down so i am having to improvise
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date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.