What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
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“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Saturday
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.