serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
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I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
A man of commitment.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.
Probably my best painting.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime