I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
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professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now