Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks

“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”

Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road

Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.

[eulogy]

line?

*waves arm in the direction of the lake*

One day, all this will be yours.

12: Are you threatening to drown me?

Me: Just make your bed, k?

I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.

Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.

I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.

Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity

Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

My humor is broken

2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY

You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth