me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
You Might Also Like
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]
Me: Oh. You’re staying?
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
this is literally a CIA plant
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.