[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
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when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
The biggest mystery of our time
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,
IT’S NOT.
except for that one from earlier
maybe?
Regards,
Ry
Schrödinger’s cookie
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I am a gravy boat captain
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here