[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
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guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.