Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg

The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip

[being murdered]

me: thanks for doing this

I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean

911 what’s your emergency?

Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me

911: How is that an emergency?

Me: It’s attached to her gun

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

ME: should we give it a dry rub

CORONER: get out

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-

*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*

“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”

I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company

I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.

This is me 🤣🤣

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card

*shrugs off responsibility*

weigh me now

even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen

If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.

Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.

@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.

[first date]

HER: i’m really into guys-

ME (eager to impress her): me too

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given