Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.

hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

that colleague who touches your screen

My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”

Wife: How was work?

Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into

W: I despise you

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃

[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

me: anything interesting happen today?

my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.