Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

Me: To the window; to the wall.

Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.

Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

[sneeze one]

Bless you

[sneeze two]

Bless you

[sneeze three]

You are under arrest

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.

Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

friend: look how big my new plant is getting!

me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: lol nerd

Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.

DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie

[First day as a driving instructor]

“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”

just pretend nothing happened

Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.

Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.