They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
You Might Also Like
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
“Sheer Arrogance”
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Looking at a set of 4 placemats on sale for $60.00 from a popular cooking supplies store, “oh you got jokes”
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint