Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
You Might Also Like
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.