My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
When you have to use a public restroom.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
