[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
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Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.