You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
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surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Smooooooth
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth