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[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I think they could have phrased this better
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
but that was my emotional support daylight
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.