Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
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I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Fidel Castro was alive?
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.