I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
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Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.