Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
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cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
