Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*

“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb

All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.

Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages

I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

Brain: that was a good cookie

Body: here’s 4 pounds

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

Uh oh 👀

My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning

*Takes one earbud out*

*Hears kids fighting*

*Puts earbud back in*

Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.

Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.

If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.