A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
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“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Get in loser we’re going crying
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Yes I do enjoy a morning donut and an afternoon donut why do you ask?
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.