someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
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Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”