Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
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Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
who decided to call it a “paternity test” instead of a “pop quiz?”
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Squirrels before girls.
coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
zone out
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are