Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean

Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅

The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…

Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you

Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute

Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x

this independent good boy don’t need no human

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.

“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.

Me: Fake?

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”

I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.

Meat Cute

I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail

[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.