Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
You Might Also Like
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
yes… yes…
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one