This is a bad sign
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By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight