“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
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is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I put the hot in psychotic.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.