Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.

If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.

[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”

Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets

My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.

Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.

Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*

My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her

Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy

Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

weird email i got today

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.