Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

Ummm

14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.

me: I miss handshakes

cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty

Her: do you have protection?

MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes

Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

Nobody:

My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me

Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money

Manager: Is this true

Waiter: I just gave him the check

Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”

Me: “7”

Him: “oh really?”

Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.

You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.

[calendar naming committee]

BOSS: how should we spell the second month

GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

I did 1 workout. Am I fit now plz

Me: He’s crowning!

King Charles: please don’t say it like that.

[commercial for soup]

NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?

Just went to the Oreo website and hit “accept all cookies” … and now we wait

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast

*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.

Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.

ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.

FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.

ME: Milk.