me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
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Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
