UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
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I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.