Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.

When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit

Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

[flirting between USA and Canada]

Canadian: you’re my favourite.

American: no u.

*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*

is this a warning or an offer?

I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.

Women aren’t hard to read

For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out

You’re done bro

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song

we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”

She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.

doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection

me: are there any steps I can take

doctor: not after I’m done

Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

❤️

Not how I expected him to come back but okay.

The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.

the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff