I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
You Might Also Like
Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.