amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
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[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!