Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.

If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.

“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.

I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.

My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.

me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month

therapist: how does that make you feel

me: pretty tired I walk a lot

Does it…does it take 3 days

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward