Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
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I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.
It kinda feels like this rn
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England