Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again

Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks

The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

I’m that bored in the house 🥺

#lockdownextension

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick

As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.

There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.

Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

[Interview]

Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?

Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

6yo: You’re grounded.

Me: Okay.

6yo: FOREVER!

Me: Thank you.

Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?

Me: Yes!

Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?

Me: Yes!

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?