You Might Also Like
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
This seems like peak sibling energy