My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
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Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I think I’m gonna be sick
guilty
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Meow
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.