Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME

I only treason on days ending in y

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.

I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

I occasionally drink every single night.

Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?

Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

Me: I’ll never get married again!

Husband:

gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her

A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool