Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?

I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

*wife looks through my phone

*divorces me 8 times

*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

Roadtrip thread:

We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.

What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!

Mom: What? Why are you yelling

Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks

Mom: Grandma’s dead hon

Me: That’s why I’m yelling

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.

I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.

Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE

Me: *gives her a little bit*

My Dog: I have diarrhea

me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go

How to tell if your kid is doing drugs

1. Are your drugs missing?

[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it