[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
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Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
This fish is cracking me up
operators are standing by to ignore your call
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.