Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.

I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.

Husband: How short?

Me:

Husband: HOW SHORT?!

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.

When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”

BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.

Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!

Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?

TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!

Ok now say “coffee”!

“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”

Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

Date: So what’s your backstory?

Me: Arthritis.

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name

Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.