Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day

Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie

Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off

No more questions until my mom gets here

-Me to HR

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me

My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.

[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]

Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now

Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old

*winks*

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?

I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me

surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

*burglar alarm goes off*

me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work

ok like just. call me at this point