My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
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Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
about to have the best blueberries of my life
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.