*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
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Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
This pepper has seen some shit
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*