Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’

How self-absorbed are you?

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!

I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.

Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice

I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.

Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English

BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great

Made something I’m not proud of

Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.

Kanye West Presents:

KANYE ON BROADWAY

Featuring:

“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”

been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.

I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.

*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*